THE TUMBLER

THEN:
It was my “special” day. I can’t remember what it was. You gave me a tumbler. It was a blue and black one. The body was sky blue with black linings. The lid was black. I liked it not because it had a NIKE logo on it, but because it was simple; and especially, it came from you. I just loved the combination of blue and black colors on it. I don’t know why but it was refreshing. I used it everyday in my workplace. But most of all, it reminded me of you, always…

NOW…
I still have the tumbler. It is still in my workplace. But I don’t use it anymore. It is just there on the corner of my desk. It just stands there gathering dust. I haven’t even cleaned it for months, now. I only touch it whenever I have to clean my desk. If only it can think and speak, I’m pretty sure it’s already cussing at and cursing me. But what can I do. Using it would only kill me softly. Just a simple brush of my fingers on it brings back a lot of memories in a flash. How much more if my lips touch its brim – over and over again. Probably, I would have a memory overload – sweet and bitter. Though looking at it is already more than enough to hurt me, I just let it stay there. I let it because I need it. I need it because:

The tumbler is a silent reminder of what were; and a powerful motivator to face what are….

The Day Juan arrived

october 18, 2010....

i thought it would just be an ordinary monday...the start of the week for many...the first monday of vacation for some...for me, a day to submit some required papers..since i had finished the requirement last night, i enjoyed cuddling my pillow under my not-so-warm comforter...after all, i am staying in baguio city...

9:14 am....

i was woken up by a message on my phone...what a way to start a day...i had some exchanges with one friend who is an unproclaimed psychologist..^^...unmindful of the impending wrath outside, i enjoyed the exchanges...'till noon...it was then that i realized that JUAN has already arrived...and he was already wreaking havoc...what a good timing for JUAN...

2:20  pm

having second thoughts, i went out of my place to go to school...JUAN was so good for welcoming me outside with showers and cool breeze...being ignorant of what has been decided and being excited to pass the papers, i cruised through the eye of JUAN...only to be appalled...OFFICES ARE CLOSE...with the adrenaline still flowing through my veins and with the gift of JUAN (no electricity) firing me up, i found myself in a cab going to SM...wow...the mall was like a haven for mourners...there was more cheers in a graveyard...(just kidding)...

2:53 pm

undecided on where to spend the time (whether in gecko's or in SM), i tried to find a place to buy my high-powered vitamin C...and yes, i found it...what a relief...but only for a second..there was no  cashier..(what the - - - -)...i roamed (thinking and waiting for the cashier...maybe she just visited john)...30 minutes had passed...she was still nowhere in sight...what a day..really...i sat down...in the food-court area...i opened my lappy...good thing i had charged the battery last night...i waited...i read...LAKERS BEATEN BY JAZZ...this was really my day..thank you JUAN...you have now become a part of my life...more power to you...

3:30 pm

i tried to go to gecko's...but JUAN wouldn't let me...you're really my friend JUAN...i re-entered SM...maybe JUAN just tried to tell me, i could now buy my vitamins...and there she was...the lovely cashier...i smiled...i bought my vitamins...and i just found myself sitting outside THE OLD SPAGHETTI HOUSE enjoying a plate of carbonara trying to spend my time with JUAN..after all, HE wouldn't stay long...so i had just to spend the time that he is here...so long JUAN...i won't forget you....

free?

wishes....as free as birds roam the sky...

uncurtailed by outside forces except for their own limitations...

savoring the sweet misty wind...

and land where and when they want to...

NEXUS

darkness is fading... light is breaking...dew moistens the fresh air...the rooster crows...life springs...a new day starts...dawn is coming...

……twilight……

darkness taking over the light...natural light fades...the air heavy with toxins...life folds...a day is passing...dusk is filling in...

------------------- twilight...a time to reflect...is it the beginning or is it the end?....is it a choice that is necessary or just the two sides of a coin?...things are uncertain...indecision is inevitable...definitely a crossroad...

yet for all these fickleness of reality, one thing is certain - twilight is the nexus of being and nothingness...

UN-LOVE

(re-post)

A Love that Never Was

Jun 10, '10 11:55 PM for everyone

It was a foggy afternoon. The sky was dark. Rain was looming. The wind was chilly, yet the air was heavy. For some reasons, he cursed. The day couldn’t just stay better, though he was prepared for the rain.

Things hadn’t gone his way for the most part of the day. The impending rain just added a weight to his already dampened spirit. He hated to go home yet, but he loathed being outside when the rain would pour.

He waited for a taxi to come by, but he was just frustrated. At this time, and with the looming disaster, it seemed people were scrambling to fight for a taxi ride. So he opted to ride a jeepney, instead. Just as he entered the jeepney and paid his fare, the rain poured. He was relieved to have ridden in the nick of time. But it wasn’t enough to lift him up. He cursed again.

Then for a moment, everything froze. The resentment and anger boiling up inside him became cold as ice. The trickling of the rain on the roof of the vehicle became spears clanging on a metal armor. A vortex transported him to a place of his own. BUT, he was not alone. There, in front of him, was a familiar face. And so, he thought. There were the curly strands of hair hanging on the side of her face. The curve of her lips brought some tingle in him. And there were the all too familiar dimples on both cheeks. Add to those were the expressive eyes.

He mustered the courage to break the silence between them. As he was about to give his complimentary greeting, reality struck him. He didn’t know her name – or more aptly, he couldn't remember it. What’s more frustrating was, he couldn’t remember where he met this woman. But he knew in his heart, they’ve met before. He backed down. He cursed again.

The rain was getting harder. He looked at her. He didn’t see any umbrella or any sort of rain protection in her. He had one. Opportunity was knocking on the door once more. They locked eyes. They smiled at each other, slightly and slyly. Then he remembered, he groped for his phone. In a matter of seconds, he was scrolling down the list of saved names and numbers. He stopped at a number, the name said JENNA. He dialed it. It rang. He looked at her. She had no reaction. He gave up. That was a stupid thing to do, he thought.

A few minutes later, she alighted from the vehicle. There was his chance to become her hero. But he was hesitant; divided – a part of him wanted to go with her and protect her from the rain with his umbrella, yet another part held him up. His butt was glued to the seat. He felt helpless as he watched her soak in the rain. The darkening surrounding swallowed her and the moving vehicle led him farther from her. There was his chance to take, but he didn't. Little did he know that that incident led her away from him – literally and figuratively.

***********************************

About 5 months later at her friend’s apartment:

SHE: I hate you!! Did you know that I liked you before? And until now, I still like you. Why do you always have to enter my life at an inopportune time? You had your chance to have me, but you didn’t take it. Remember that rainy afternoon, the time that you let me walk under the rain?

HE: Yeah, I remember it. I wanted to talk to you and protect you from the rain, but I wasn’t so sure that it was you. Why didn’t you asked me to go with you?

SHE: You’re so stupid!!. You know that?

HE: I’m sorry!!

SHE: Sorry? That’s all you can say!!!? Damn you!! I hate you!! Stupid!!

She hit him. He let her. She broke down. He hugged her. She cried on his shoulder. He caressed her back, then her hair. She bit him slightly. He held her face up. She looked at his eyes. He wiped her tears with his hand. She smiled dryly, her dimples becoming deeper. He longed for her. She cracked opened her lips. He couldn’t resist the feeling swelling up any longer – he kissed her. She kissed him back. He hugged her, tightly. She caressed his nape.

They let their feelings out – feelings that they had held for a long time. They consummated what they had long wanted to do. Satisfaction was an understatement. Perfect! Yes, perfect was the word. At least, for 5 long minutes. And only. They both knew where they stood.

SHE: I have longed for your kiss for a long time.

HE: Me too. I don’t want this to end. I love you!!!

SHE: I love you too!!! But I can’t be with you. You know that.

HE: Yes, I know.

SHE: If only I were in a different situation, right now and here, you can have me. Did you know that because of you, I got into this?

HE: What? How’s that possible?

SHE: Because of what you did, or didn’t do, that afternoon, I got so mad at you that I couldn’t get over it for a few weeks. I felt really depressed and angry. So, one night I went to my boyfriend’s house. We had some drinks, and I got drunk. Then, it happened.

HE: Damn it!!

SHE: Did you also know that during that time, I wished you were him? And until now, I’m wishing that you were the father of my baby.

He slumped. He felt a ton of an invisible rock dropped over him. What a waste! Silence prevailed – a long awkward silence. He knew the inevitable. He had to do it. He had to let her go. He held her closer to him. He hugged her tightly – a goodbye hug. After all, he had a girlfriend.

********************************

Epilogue:

He met her at a school event. She was the friend of his best friend’s sister. He was a basketball player of their school. And he could still remember how she cheered for him whenever she was around to watch their games. Though they never verbalized their admiration for each other (at that time), he felt that there was definitely something between them. He was just too shy/cowardice to act on it. Then they had a falling off.

About 5 months after the jeepney incident was the birthday of her friend. Her friend invited her to the “party”. His best friend brought him to the “party”. The “party” was their MEETING. The siblings knew what they (he and she) felt for each other, and the siblings had thought that they ought to talk.

NOW: He is still single. He just broke up with his girlfriend. She is already married with two kids. But before her marriage and her second baby, they met again. But they couldn’t just get together for several reasons. He is still thinking of her, sometimes, and that fateful rainy afternoon.

UNTITLED

To the lady I love

Days apart

We could have been together

Things unknown, things undone

The now would have been different …

Only you can fill

The blank slate in my heart

Only I know

I should have acted on it…

Nothing means much more

Than the things you could have given

No one duplicates

The things you could have done… but

Neither you nor I

Could have controlled the events

The circumstances which brought us here

Oceans apart, a countless clicks away…

In the depth of my being

I know you are the one

You are who could have made me

You are who could have loved me…

Engulfed with sorrow

I am now longing for you

Waiting is what I can do

‘Till the time I can tell you - - -

I LOVE YOU!!!

angst

Alone - physically and emotionally. a feeling of being lost in nothingness. drifting in the sea of uncertainty. nowhere to go, nothing to do....

Nothingness. the absence of something/everything. naught. empty. the borderline of psychosis and sanity. and yet, the precursor of creativity...

Giving up. courage to lose a treasure/a beloved. a courage that if not contained well spells doom. but if it is catered well leads to a lot more than what was lost. just a matter of approach to it...

Stuffs. things. materials. money. is money the be-all and end-all of all things?...

Tangibility. empirical. sensible. fleeting. changeable. the possibility of being lost is imminent...

angst is the existential anxiety. it is the worrying of living or not living. the barrier to moving on. the launch to greatness. and yet when all things are said and done, angst tells that human life is nothing but layers and layers of interpretations - our choices, views in life, things done and undone, sad memories, happy moments, etc., and just like an onion when the layers are peeled off, the result is NOTHING. but then to avoid this confrontation with nothingness, what has to be done is to cover each layer with another layer everytime. in this way, it would be almost impossible to dig deep into the bottom of it all...

The Sand

"scooping up sand with your hands"

is the picture i always associate with letting go..no matter how much sand you
want to have and have touched your palms, there will always be some that will
fall down and no matter what you do to keep them, all the efforts are naught..
the more you want to have, the less you're gonna get -

*************************************************

having you in my life has always been a
pleasure and pain...you lit my dimming life,yet at times you let the flame burn
me...you showed me how to value a treasure, yet in the process you never told
me how to deal with it when the treasure is gone...you taught me how to look at
the brighter side of things, yet you forgot to tell that there is a darker
side, also...and above all, you taught me how to love, yet you never taught me
how to rein my hate...

************************************************

with all the things that i learned and
un-learned from you, i don't regret any of them...in fact, i'm thankful for
them...and i'm thankful for you...you are the most colorful and the richest
chapter in my life (so far)...writing it with you is something i wouldn't trade
with anything...

***********************************************

so now, the time has come for me to finally
let you go...after all, that's what you want, right?...i am sorry for it took
me some time before i can finally say "this is it"...and there's no
more turning back...i have made my choice to end "our chapter"
in the "book" i'm writing everyday...it's not an easy decision,
though, because at the back of my mind, i'm always entertaining the thought
that one day, you would show up in front my door, waiting for my hug...but,
although it pains me to even think about it, i have to write another
chapter, without you in it...i just hope and pray that the pain will
push me through it, not pull me back...as i've told you, you forgot to tell me
how to deal with the loss of a treasure-you...and though, you showed me how to
look at the brighter side of things, i have no idea how to get there when i'm
pulled back by the darker side...

**********************************************

i'm just thankful that the sand exist...at
least, the phenomenon of scooping up sand sustains the ink in my pen,
and i am able to continue writing the next chapter in my life....i just don't
know when i will be finished with it, and if i can finish it...but i'm hopeful that
in time, this chapter will bloom in the end...like the sand in my palms, i
can't hold onto you forever...i have to let go of you, so that there will be
space for another set of sand, hopefully finer, whiter, better sand...

********************************************

- just have to let go of the others and
treasure what's left, until the time comes that you've got to let go of what's
left to give room for newer sand - if and when that time comes.....

(4-4-10)